Author Topic: BELLOWHEAD CHRISTMAS CATALOGUE  (Read 13621 times)

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Offline penandink

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BELLOWHEAD CHRISTMAS CATALOGUE
« on: Monday, November 7 2011 02:00AM GMT-1 »
Welcome to the Bellowhead Christmas Catalogue…something for every (folking) one

The Frogs Legs Lasso – follow the brass section’s lead with this essential regalia for capture of imaginary sanity. Dimensions 0cm x 0cm x 0cm. Weight 0 grams. Finest quality.

Hand Wax – for restoration of clapped out hands. Apply liberally – by hand, to hands.

Ankle Supports
– too much jumping up and down at a Bellowhead gig? Help is here. Prevent that pre-encore collapsed ankle medical emergency with these fully elasticated supports. Guaranteed to get you home where you can cry in private agony at the demise of previously sound joints. See also the Deluxe Morris version - with added bells and ribbons.

The Bellowhead Gasket – a feat of modern engineering. Guaranteed to fix any car when it’s blown up because you bought a new Bellowhead album and played it in the car and sang along and enjoyed it so much you were doing 75 miles per hour on the M4…in second gear.

Being Jon Boden – a detailed and very personal account of how to fiddle, hop, sing and pull the faces of Jon Boden’s ecstasy when fronting Bellowhead. Comes with pink tie, small tambourine and a black box that makes the sound of a cold wind. Sold only to those with the mental capacity to know every folk tune ever since William was a Conqueror.  Sales so far? Just the one, to a chap called Jon Boden.

The Sloe Gin Dance Book – ever wanted to know how to do that dance. Read all about it here.

The Kinect Sloe Gin Dance Game – if the book doesn’t work and your inability to do that effing little jig is turning you into a basket case…try this. (also shows the string section statue poses)

Cutlery And Drumstick Set – 3 forks, 5 knives, four spoons and a whisk (don’t ask!), all in a stainless steel cymbal-mounted holder. Comes with two Oak drumsticks. Add rhythm to taste.

Emergency Tin of Bellowhead Gig Atmosphere –Your wife left you and took the Bellowhead Albums with her. Your phone battery ran out just as you were about to take the call from Juliette Binoche. No South Bank New Year gig to look forward to. Feeling suicidally low? Open and ingest this tin of helium-like atmosphere to lift you from the pits to the skies in the twiddle of an accordionist’s knob.


L’air de Cellist
– wear this fragrance to become irresistible to all of mankind. Pricey and dispensed in very small bottles, it has been described as ‘a heady, sophisticated aroma that speaks of loveliness, sounds beautiful and whiffs like a mix of cello polish and bottled lager.’

Sartin’s Book of Wit – hear again the warm greetings offered to hecklers one and all and that well spoken way of calling a whore a whore, but making it sound really quite nice. Top bloke, top read.

Rochdale Coconuts – They’re coconuts and they’re from Rochdale.

The BHK - Kazoozalum your friends with this long-overdue addition to the merchandise table. The Bellowhead Kazoo is here: made of finest garish plastic and sounding like you wished you’d not given it to your five year old daughter.

Brassfinger (DVD) – The Bellowhead Bond movie with the coolest 007 yet. See Rachel McShane as sultry siren ‘Harmony’,  Jon Spiers as evil villain ‘Testicle’ [think about it] and marvel at the energy and dynamism of the new Bond. Yesterday’s man Daniel Craig said ‘Andy Mellon is a tuxedoed trumpeting triumph. He brings youth and exuberance to the character with humour and a touch of the fourth form. Brilliant, an absolute masterclass.’

Hedonism Ale – bloomin firsty work following Bellowhead. Avoid the risk of dehydration by having a good old hedonistic quaff.

This started as a thought on BH's Facebook page announcing new stuff. Any more?
Verb: Mellon
To jump up and down whilst clapping; trumpet optional

Offline Clare

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Re: BELLOWHEAD CHRISTMAS CATALOGUE
« Reply #1 on: Monday, November 7 2011 07:22AM GMT-1 »
Brilliant! Thank you so much for this. Really got the week off to a good start.

Will need the ankle supports before the week is out....(and probably knee braces too)

Offline Shelley

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Re: BELLOWHEAD CHRISTMAS CATALOGUE
« Reply #2 on: Monday, November 7 2011 08:55AM GMT-1 »
Love it!

An anti-ageing potion would be good.  I feel about 17 when I'm at a gig, but about 103 the next day.
14th Jan - All Saints, Harrow Weald, 3rd Feb - Brewery Tap, Doncaster, 5th Feb - St Ninians, Chorlton, 25th March - Northwich Folk Club, 10th June - Knitted Character Folk Festival

Offline Stephenw

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Re: BELLOWHEAD CHRISTMAS CATALOGUE
« Reply #3 on: Monday, November 7 2011 11:11AM GMT-1 »
Great work penandink, I'll try and think of some more.
When you're a kid, they tell you it's all "grow up. Get a job. Get married. Get a house. Have a kid, and that's it." But the truth is, the world is so much stranger than that. It's so much darker. And so much madder. And so much better.

Offline Anna

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Re: BELLOWHEAD CHRISTMAS CATALOGUE
« Reply #4 on: Monday, November 7 2011 05:24PM GMT-1 »
 :laugh: I really enjoyed that! Ankle supports would be fantastic! (Why do you think those of us with bad backs favour the wearing of corsets?!)
The hurrier I go, the behinder I get

Offline Milady

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Re: BELLOWHEAD CHRISTMAS CATALOGUE
« Reply #5 on: Monday, November 7 2011 05:26PM GMT-1 »
:laugh: I really enjoyed that! Ankle supports would be fantastic! (Why do you think those of us with bad backs favour the wearing of corsets?!)
There's a merchandise idea...bellowhead corset. ;)
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Offline johnnysaint

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Re: BELLOWHEAD CHRISTMAS CATALOGUE
« Reply #6 on: Monday, November 7 2011 06:24PM GMT-1 »
 :D :D
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Offline pad

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Re: BELLOWHEAD CHRISTMAS CATALOGUE
« Reply #7 on: Monday, November 7 2011 06:31PM GMT-1 »
Little Sally's Racquet:  (Sporting Goods)

Crosseyed and Chinless: (guaranteed results from Bellowhead's new range of Digital Cameras, the UGH100, EEK500 and the OMG1000 - made by Flash Company)

Yarmouth Town, Jordan, Amsterdam, Broomfield Hill, London Town, et al:  (The 2012 Bellowhead Coach Excursion Schedule   (bagsy me the back seat))


and I was going to suggest a new book of controversial songs by Paul called the Sartinic Verses but I'm not keen on a folk fatwa
« Last Edit: Monday, November 7 2011 06:42PM GMT-1 by pad »

Offline Shelley

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Re: BELLOWHEAD CHRISTMAS CATALOGUE
« Reply #8 on: Monday, November 7 2011 06:36PM GMT-1 »
Brilliant Pad!
14th Jan - All Saints, Harrow Weald, 3rd Feb - Brewery Tap, Doncaster, 5th Feb - St Ninians, Chorlton, 25th March - Northwich Folk Club, 10th June - Knitted Character Folk Festival

Offline Stephenw

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Re: BELLOWHEAD CHRISTMAS CATALOGUE
« Reply #9 on: Monday, November 7 2011 07:05PM GMT-1 »
Excellent Pad. I want a seat on that excursion bus!
When you're a kid, they tell you it's all "grow up. Get a job. Get married. Get a house. Have a kid, and that's it." But the truth is, the world is so much stranger than that. It's so much darker. And so much madder. And so much better.

Offline mab

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Re: BELLOWHEAD CHRISTMAS CATALOGUE
« Reply #10 on: Monday, November 7 2011 07:38PM GMT-1 »
Excellent Pad. I want a seat on that excursion bus!

I don't! I've heard stories about those places... :o

 ;)
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Offline maureen

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Re: BELLOWHEAD CHRISTMAS CATALOGUE
« Reply #11 on: Monday, November 7 2011 08:03PM GMT-1 »
Bellowhead Action Figures 12 inches high, all with eagle eyes and gripping hands. Accessories include miniature musical instruments, and full range of dressing-up clothes, such as loud ties and even louder shirts, a silver suit and a cassock.

Ladies and Gentlemens fine linen handkerchiefs. Only available in yellow. You will never feel out of place in flash company with these.

Christmas Decorations. Get your wreaths and garlands here. All made from genuine prickle-eye bushes.
« Last Edit: Monday, November 7 2011 08:11PM GMT-1 by maureen »
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Offline penandink

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Re: BELLOWHEAD CHRISTMAS CATALOGUE
« Reply #12 on: Monday, November 7 2011 09:15PM GMT-1 »
Some great additions I see.

I'm loving the Sartanic Verses, Pad.

And the action figures - brilliant idea Maureen. I'd forgotten about the cassock too. So that's full size and doll size corsets then.  :-\
Verb: Mellon
To jump up and down whilst clapping; trumpet optional

Offline Anna

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Re: BELLOWHEAD CHRISTMAS CATALOGUE
« Reply #13 on: Monday, November 7 2011 09:44PM GMT-1 »
I was going to say knee supports for those who find themselves suddenly overcome by weakness in the area, but Pad and Maureen's ideas are much better!
The hurrier I go, the behinder I get

Offline Shelley

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Re: BELLOWHEAD CHRISTMAS CATALOGUE
« Reply #14 on: Monday, November 7 2011 10:06PM GMT-1 »
Spring loaded shoes, or actual frog's legs for extra height in the encore.
14th Jan - All Saints, Harrow Weald, 3rd Feb - Brewery Tap, Doncaster, 5th Feb - St Ninians, Chorlton, 25th March - Northwich Folk Club, 10th June - Knitted Character Folk Festival